Aardvark

The Aardvark is the animal without which no dictionary would be complete. It was given the name, which means earth-pig in Dutch, due to its resemblance to Queen Charlotte of England, the famously ugly wife of George III.

Aardvarks have unusual teeth which wear down and continually regrow. The same is true of the male aardvark's sexual organs, making him the laughing stock of the anteater world.

The Aardvark is known for being very old-fashioned, refusing to move with the times like its closest relative, the elephant shrew, and this is largely responsible for the aardvark's low socio-economic standing.

The Man with Three Buttocks

Once a Monty Python sketch. Now a six part documentary series on Channel 5 with NBC working on a version for the American market.

Edward II

Born in Caernarfon Castle on Christmas Day 1284. Died in Agony with a red hot poker up his bottom.

Edward II achieved the unique feat in English history of losing a battle to the Scots, at Bannockburn. Then he invented the handkerchief, became 'close' to his handsome young favourite, got deposed by his wife and her lover, invented disco dancing, established colleges at Oxford and Cambridge Universities and at the University of East Anglia and got murdered making him one of England's most exciting monarchs.

Lemur

Lemurs are like backward monkeys - the simian equivalent of someone from Alabama or Gloucestershire, if you will. Despite this, they are jolly little fellows and as such they are Madagascar's number one tourist attraction as well as it's most important host for dangerous parasitic insects. That's right, the sort of insect that burrows into your skin and lays eggs.

In less enlightened times, lemur fur was much sought after for the manufacture of hats and gloves, the lemur being a cheap and cheerful substitute for mink.

The lemur's stripey tail often leads to it being confused with the raccoon. This intensely annoys the lemurs but recent research has shown that it hardly bothers the raccoons at all.

The Pope

The Pope is a Catholic...or is he?

Vatican records show that no Pope has ever burped without first covering his mouth. Dan Brown is believed to be working on a 'novel' that will reveal this to be a terrible, terrible lie.

Greece

Greece is the nation of which people are most likely to beware - especially at Christmas and Birthdays. The reason for this is lost in the mists of time but is thought to be something to do with someone called Troy.

Greece produced some of the world's oldest literature, although this includes hardly any science fiction. Indeed, the only example of Ancient Greek Science Fiction is Ulysses 31 in which the eponymous hero travels around space having adventures. It was written around 700 BC by Archilocus of Paros who feared that the younger were losing interest in literature, beguiled by the exciting new world of Mathematics.

Other Greek inventions include goat's cheese, goat's milk and goat burgers as well as homosexuality and accordions.

Greece fought in both World Wars on the side of the Allies but hardly anybody noticed.