Edward the Confessor

Edward was the eldest son of Ethelred the Unready, one of a surprising number of English kings who were called Ethel. He was driven into exile when England was taken over by King Canute and went to live in Normandy which was then, as now, the world's favourite exile destination. It was during this period that Edward earned his nickname after he got off Europe's first recorded drugs charge by reaching a plea bargain with the DA and testifying against his former criminal buddies.

He returned to England as King in 1041 after the Danes decided to give up ruling and concentrate on their bacon business and on developing new types of pastry. He married Edith, daughter of Godwin, but the union failed to produce an heir, mostly due to Edward's refusal to sleep in the same building as his wife so as to maintain his purity. He instead developed a novel approach to the succession, promising the throne to every third person he met. This policy worked really well right up to the point where Edward died and a queue of heirs apparent began to form outside the royal palace asking when the Coronation was. As well as Harold Godwinson,who was the most powerful noble in the land, the list of candidates included William the Conqueror, Edgar the Aetheling, Eric the Red and Mack the Knife. They all agreed to settle the matter in the most diplomatic way available, by fighting a great big war. The war was eventually won by William who defeated Harold not at Hastings, as is often presumed, but at a place called Battle. Now what are the chances of that happening?

Global Warming

Global warming is the cause of all rain, snow, sunshine, tornadoes, tsunamis, floods, hailstones, plagues of frogs, coastal erosion, droughts, monsoons, extinctions, drizzle, coldness, spider population explosions, cloud, lunar eclipses, economic recessions, water related conflicts, teenage pregnancies, crime and terrorism since 1985. All rain, snow, sunshine, tornadoes, tsunamis, floods, hailstones, plagues of frogs, coastal erosion, droughts, monsoons, extinctions, drizzle, coldness, spider population explosions, cloud, lunar eclipses, economic recessions, water related conflicts, teenage pregnancies, crime and terrorism that happened before this date was caused by something else.

People who make jokes about the tendency to ascribe everything bad that happens to global warming are worse than Hitler.