Rats

Known by ornithologists as non-flying pigeons, rats are the 14th largest rodents. They make terrible pets due to their smell, fleas, diseases and habit of trying to eat you while you are asleep.

Erectile Dysfunction Society

The Erectile Function Society was founded in 1901 by the concerned citizens of Baltimore in The USA with the motto, 'This is harder than it looks, you know.' The cause of fighting erectile dysfunction remained unpopular, however, despite the support of President Wilson who's attention was distracted from the problem by the outbreak of the Great War.

Treatment of the problem remained primitive, although considerable interest was aroused by a new oral treatment that was developed during the 1960s by a group of medically qualified swingers.

The real breakthrough came during the 1980s with the release in the UK of a charity record, 'The Only Way is Up' following the example of Band Aid. This was soon followed by the release in America of 'Get on Up, Although We Won't Judge You if You Can't Tonight'. The proceeds of these hugely successful records were used to develop the new drug Viagra and the terrible affliction of erectile dysfunction was finally vanquished. With its job done, the Society formally wound itself up in June 2006.

Cat Swing

One cat swing is the internationally accepted measure of sufficient room size.

Cheese wire

It is a little known fact that Stilton cheese conducts electricity better than copper wire. This has been suppressed for the last fifty years by the big copper manufacturers. Tell the people!

Substitute swearwords

For use in situations where one would normally turn the air blue but where one is in the presence of a small child or elderly relative. Eg. Flip, fudge, sugarlumps, freaky deaky, flippity-poo, Hell's bells, brown, clam gatherer, etc.