Goths

The Goths are believed to have originated in Scandinavia. Indeed, scholars have recently put forward the theory that the Baltic Sea was named after the genital parasite which plagued the early Gothic civilization.

The Goths soon left the north, reappearing in the historical record on the eastern border of the Roman Empire, making them the only people in history to leave Sweden to settle in the Ukraine. The realization of this mistake is believed to be the reason behind the Goths' trademark gloomy disposition.

At the time, the Goths were led by Alaric the Goth, runner up in the 'Least imaginative surname competition AD375.'* Angry at his defeat, Alaric led the Goths into the Roman Empire, sacking Rome itself.

Alaric's Goths eventually settled in Aquitania (southern France) and Spain. They adopted the local practice of taking siesta in the afternoon and, during one of these naps, they were conquered by the Germanic Franks who had no time for such laziness. Thus, the Goths disappeared from history until being resurrected in the late 20th century by weird middle-class teenagers.

* Suetonius the Younger records the winner of the competition as a certain Mr. A. T. Hun.