Stalin

Stalin was born in Georgia* in 1878. He was an unremarkable boy at school despite his many attempts to attract attention, first by contracting the fashionable disease of smallpox and later by wearing an amusing false moustache - a habit he would take into later life.

At age 16 he joined a seminary where he and his classmates produced a great deal of seminal fluid, in the traditional manner. Young Stalin quickly became bored with this and, having discovered the works of Lenin, he decided to go off to become a Revolutionary.

His career was soon interrupted by the First World War - Stalin was conscripted to fight in the Russian army but got off on medical grounds when he complained about the terrible rash on his upper lip caused by the false moustache.

Things were soon looking up for Stalin, however, as his hero Lenin managed to trick Russia into making him their new leader during the Russian Revolution. Stalin was at Lenin's right hand as the new Communist regime set about the difficult task of freeing the peasants and workers from their miserable existence by killing them all. When Lenin died it was Stalin to whom the nation turned to continue the many successful population control policies that had been implemented by the Communists.

The Communists main ideological enemies were the German Nazis who had a rival plan for killing lots of people that threatened to outdo Stalin's greatest achievement. Their leader, a tiny little man called Adolf Hitler, even had his own amusing false moustache. Stalin ordered an immediate increase in false moustache production and the Germans responded by ordering an immediate invasion of Russia with the aim of capturing the false moustache works at Stalingrad. The attempt failed and, ultimately, the Russians were able to occupy most of Eastern Europe. The irony was that this left Stalin ruling over a great many more people than he had started out with, undoing at a stroke twenty years of depopulating. It was enough to drive Stalin insane and he died soon after, his false moustache being preserved for the nation in a glass case in Red Square.

*A bit of Russia that was founded by Confederate refugees who had gone east in search of less freedom.